Breaking Beautifully

I am a broken, sinful person. In my sin, I often take the good things God has blessed me with and set them up as idols, worshiping the created instead of the Creator. For me, this happens particularly easily with relationships. Specifically romantic relationships, but any close relationship can fall prey to it.

A few weeks ago I came to a point where I was ready to admit this and start breaking down that idol. As I did so, though, I came face to face with years of pent-up anger and bitterness toward God. I realized that I didn't really believe many of the things He's said in this area of my life. I didn't believe He had good plans for me. I didn't believe that anything not containing marriage was a good plan. I felt like He didn't think I was good enough for anyone to marry. I realized I even believed He didn't truly love me if He wouldn't give me this one thing that I want.

Now, hold up a minute here. I know how crazy that sounds. I know it's ridiculous to tell God that He's not who He says He is just because He won't give me what I want. Rationally, I realize that. But emotionally, you have to understand, this was my idol. More than anything in the world I want to be married. I want to have a man to love and serve and spend my life with. There are things about me that are so much better when I'm with someone. I truly feel like I was created to be half of something. I find completion in Christ, yes, but I was made for a relationship here on this earth too. And yet, I find myself getting on toward 30 and still single. So there was a lot of anger in my heart to try to break down. And let me tell you, when your idol is so strong you question God's goodness without it, you've got a painful road to walk.

So what happened next? The most painful thing within the realm of relationships that possibly could have happened. That's what happened next. It sent me into a downward spiral. I was already struggling to believe God cared for me at all, and now there was this event that killed any semi-immediate hope for the relationship I craved. My idol came crashing down around me, and I lost it. I was so angry I could hardly pray. And when I did, all I could ask was for God to change my heart and take the anger and bitterness away. I knew that I was powerless to work through it on my own. Only by Him changing my heart would I be able to move forward.

I spent several weeks in that dark place, crushed by the loss of my idol, feeling like I was crying for God to change my heart and all the while He sat silent and stoic in the face of my pain. And then something happened. We read a passage from Isaiah at my small group from church one night. It wasn't the passage the leader had intended for us to read; it had nothing to do with what we were talking about. But it was exactly what I needed to hear.

^"8 But you, Israel, my servant,
Jacob, whom I have chosen,
the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
⁹ you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
¹⁰ fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

^"17 When the poor and needy seek water,
and there is none,
and their tongue is parched with thirst,
I the Lord will answer them;
I the God of Israel will not forsake them.
¹⁸ I will open rivers on the bare heights,
and fountains in the midst of the valleys.
I will make the wilderness a pool of water,
and the dry land springs of water.
¹⁹ I will put in the wilderness the cedar,
the acacia, the myrtle, and the olive.
I will set in the desert the cypress,
the plane and the pine together,
²⁰ that they may see and know,
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it."

As these words were read, I felt something in my heart break. It was like God was telling me that He would create beautiful things out of what I thought couldn't be worse. My wilderness was being single, and He was offering to make wonderful things out of it, if only I would let Him. I didn't have to escape the wilderness to find water and life. He would bring them to me if I would trust Him. So I let my heart break, and I prayed, and I told Him that I trust Him. In that moment, the change in my heart that I longed for was finally happening. I repented of my idols and rejoiced that God would do wonderful things in and through my life, even if marriage is never in the cards for me.

Don't get me wrong, that's still a difficult sentence for me to say. I still want to be married. But I am finally at a place where I trust that God's way is better. I trust that His plans for me are for good, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. I know that there are still pieces of my idol clinging to my heart, but I continue to pray against them, to ask God to keep cleaning them out. I know that He will be faithful to do so.

To everyone who's been at my side these last few weeks, praying with me and for me, thank you so much. I could not have gotten to this point without you demonstrating God's grace toward me.

Anyway

I've been meaning to write this for a while now, but I still can't really find the words. I know, it's very unlike me to be speechless, but....I just don't know how to respond to what's happening right now. See, God has been showing me something I've never truly believed - that I have worth. Innately, simply because I exist and was created, I have worth. It's really quite scandalous, if you think about it. Through no achievement of my own I am attributed with divine worth.

So how has God been showing me this? Through His people. Something odd has been happening lately. People.....like me? What? Since when does that happen? I've always been kind of a loner, not many friends. So the fact that people actually enjoy my company and want me around is kind of mind blowing. I just moved into a house with two amazing women from my church, and they both genuinely want to spend time with me. I'm speechless at this turn of events.

Another friend of mine recently adopted a puppy. I've learned a lot about how God relates to us by watching them, but the thing that always strikes me is how my friend truly delights in this puppy. She'll say things like, "I love when she's so happy her tail curls all the way over on her back." or "Look how excited she gets with that thing!" Little statements appreciating the tiny intricacies seen only by a master. It strikes me every time that the Bible says God delights over me in the same way. The joy and love and intimacy I hear when my friend talks about her dog are only a shadow of how God talks about me. He delights in my idiosyncrasies because He created them. He delights in every part of me. Me!

It's rather scandalous, this idea that I am valuable. In truth, I am a worthless sinner who was dead until Christ rescued me. But while I was still dead, God said I was worth His love, worth His Son's life, so that He could be with me again. And now I am rescued, alive, a treasured princess. May I finally begin to live like it.

Every Season

For those of you who may not know, yesterday was my birthday. It was, by far, the best birthday I've had in a long time. Around here, it's sort of a tradition that on your birthday you have to share three highlights from the last year and three things you're looking forward to in the coming year. So here are mine.

Highlights
1. My sister got married last June. I got a chance to see a lot of family, including my brother, whom I hardly ever get to see. It was a great time, and I got a new brother out of the deal!

2. Thanksgiving. It was the first time I'd really gotten to spend time with a particular friend, and it was on that day that I began to realize just what an amazing friend she is.

3. Myah Marie. On April 8th, I became an aunt for the first time! She's precious!

Looking Forward
1. Moving! On June 4th I will be moving in with some amazing friends from my church. I'm looking forward to being able to go home and have friends there. These gals are awesome, and the house is perfect.

2. Stability (knock on wood). Last year was....beyond words. But I'm finally finding myself in a place where my life is settling out, at least a bit, and it's amazing.

3. Further musical exploits. Recently, I finally purchased a keyboard for myself. I'm super excited to be able to play more and write more and just see where it takes me.


I have a particular philosophy about birthdays. My birthday isn't about celebrating me, it's about celebrating all the good things in my life. Birthdays should be spent doing all the things you love to do - petting puppies, reading a good book. I always strive to celebrate with as many loved ones as possible. A lot of times that looks like a big celebration, along with several sort of one-off celebrations with those who couldn't make the main event. It's important to me to take time to celebrate all the amazing relationships I have in my life. Especially this year, I've been blessed with some pretty incredible friends. I'm so glad all of you are in my life. Can't wait to spend another year with you!

Learning to Fall

What a week. It started with a visit to the ER for unexplained, severe abdominal pain, which remains unexplained. Follow that up with the sudden onset of a nasty cold, add some stressing over finding a job and a place to live, and you've got a recipe for a pretty trying week. I am weary. But I'm on the right path. Let me tell you how I know.

On Wednesday I attended my church small group that I'm a part of. I had to answer frequent inquires that no, I hadn't found a job, and yes, I still need a place to live. It's one of those things that the more times you repeat the disheartening answer, the worse it feels. By the time I was on my way home, I was thinking to myself, "I want to give up. Maybe I should just give up on all of this and go back to Nebraska." By "give up," I don't just mean giving up on the dream of doing music, but giving up on the life I've spent the last 18 months building for myself here. Throwing in the towel on all of it, turning tail, and running for my life. That's what I felt like.

When I got home, I did the only natural thing to do when you're upset like that: I called my mom. I told her that I was worried and confused and didn't know what was going on in my life. I was sick and tired and weary and beaten down. I still needed a job and a place to live and I didn't have any leads. I just didn't know what to do. Before I had a chance to tell her what I'd been thinking, she told me that she had been really praying for me. She said, "I don't know what to tell you, except that the answer I keep hearing is 'Don't give up.'" Wow. I was speechless. She didn't understand what it meant. So I told her. That's exactly what I needed to hear from God at that moment. Affirmation that even with all the confusion and fear and drama, I'm still supposed to be here. The next step isn't readily apparent, but it was so amazing to hear that God had provided the answer before I even asked the question.

Today, after months of searching, I was offered a job. Not my dream job, but still a job. I will pay the bills and survive. He has made a way where there was none. I am awed and humbled by the faithfulness of my God.

Breaking Out the Windows

Finally, a new year. And with it, new life. Finally.

2010 was the most difficult year I've ever faced, by far. It was one thing after another, after another, including, but not limited to: no less than 3 job changes, 3 moves, loss of 2 cats, a recording project thrown into limbo, major reconstructive surgery on my leg, and 8 weeks of bedrest to recover. Those are just the highlights.

After Thanksgiving, I hit a point where there was too much on my plate and I needed to take some serious steps. On November 29, I was admitted to Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital for severe depression. I spent five days there working with an amazing doctor who diagnosed me as bipolar. With the new diagnosis came new medicine, and with the new medicine came a new world for me. Bridges were built in my brain between the things that I know to be true and the ability to actually believe them. There aren't words that can accurately describe how different I feel. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I'm finally a whole person, instead of just a shadow of myself.

I realize I've just invited a vast amount of criticism with that last paragraph. Some of you will be put off by the fact that I was in the hospital. Others of you may not believe that medicine can help a person the way it has for me. I'm well aware of the stigma our society places on such things. I ask only that you keep an open mind. Feel free to ask me questions; I invite your inquiry. I dare say if you talk to me now, you'll see the difference.

For sure, it's not only the medicine that is changing me. I fully and quickly acknowledge that. But, it has put me in a state of mind where I can handle doing what it takes to change. I'm learning how to feel things instead of stuffing them away. How to face my fears and learn from them, instead of run from them. How to trust that God has my best interest at heart. At 26, for the first time in my life, I can finally believe that God loves me and wants to do great things in my life. He's not holding out on me; He really is always working for my best. These are things I've always known, but not until these last couple months have I been able to really grasp them and own them for myself.

I have a sense of confidence and calm now that I've never had before. Panic and fear don't linger on the edges of my mind like they used to. There's a sense of wholeness, of wellness, in me. I'm able to trust God and find refuge in Him in ways I never could have understood before.

It's difficult for me to share this with all of you. I'm putting some pretty personal things out here on the internet for anyone to see, knowing some of you will likely have negative reactions to it. If you wonder why I'm still doing it, here's the answer: hope. While I was struggling with all of this, a friend who had also dealt with the same things came alongside me. Without that person's support and encouragement, I likely would not have taken the steps that I needed to get well. His story of recovery offered me hope. Now I, in turn, share my story in the name of that same hope. There's Light in the darkness. New mercies with every dawn. There is no situation beyond God's reach. Every person, every circumstance, even the bleakest, is never beyond the reach of His redemption and grace. May I ever be living proof of this greatest of revelations.

Brick by Brick

Immediately following my last post, I headed out of the house to go visit my kitty. on the way, i fell down the stairs in my house, breaking both bones in my left leg and dislocating my ankle. i ended up having surgery on it and returning to nebraska to stay with my parents while i recovered. i have been on bed rest for the last 7 weeks. not fun. last week i finally got to start walking in a boot, and yesterday my physical therapist freed me from obligation to the boot. i'm recovering very quickly, surprisingly. don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but it's going to for a few more months. it was a pretty dramatic injury.

now, finally, there are plans to return home. only 11 days left. i'll be back next saturday. and i will probably move again shortly thereafter. and by shortly, i mean possibly in the next few days. i think i've found a place to live where i can have my cat and afford to pay bills. i will need a TON of help moving; i can't walk around as much as i need to for something like that. i still have to take it show. on the upshot, all my stuff is still in boxes anyway, so it's really just a matter of moving them across east nashville. it shouldn't take more than a couple hours. and then i can settle in with my phoebe back and hopefully stay put for a while!

so, obviously, this incident has interfered with my photo project. i don't have what i need to post pictures here in nebraska, so i have to wait until i get home to resume.

in a way, this break from life has been good. i feel like i've gotten a firmer ground under my feet. i don't think i realized over the last year just how much the move had affected me. i love being in nashville so much that i didn't see how difficult the transition was mentally. things have been happening one after another after another since i moved; this is the first chance i've really had to sit back and think. evaluate. get a grip. turns out, i've been a crazy person all year. my whole life changed and threw me off balance, resulting in instability. i think this time away has helped me balance back out a bit. i'm not saying there aren't still major stressful things that i have to deal with, but i think i can handle them again. right now, i'm just hoping i get my job back. i'm waiting for a response from my employer. please pray that either i can go back, or i find something else right away.

i definitey feel like i'm on sturdier ground than i was for the last year. here's hoping i'll be a better person this year.

Simple Things

My dear friends, I'm not sure what to tell you about my life right now. The past few months have been outlandishly awful. Lost my job without being given a reason. Had to ask my parents for money to survive. Ouch. Hate that. had to let a good friend buy me a tank of gas. Went to my sister's wedding, saw all the family I haven't seen in years (except my favorite sister-in-law, but soon she'll be well enough to come see me!), and that was awesome. Got a great new brother out of the deal too! Definitely the highlight of my summer.

Leaving was hard this time. Last summer I was headed for a new place with all kinds of excitement, coming from 25 years near my family. But I've missed them a lot over the last year. And knowing I had no job to go back to didn't help. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm supposed to be in Nashville, and I love it here. I might not ever leave. Certainly not back to the midwest. But still, it was much harder to leave this time.

The next week, my favorite cat passed away. The vet said it looked like a heart issue that I couldn't have known about. By this time a lot of other random things had been thrown at me too, but it would take forever to take you through all of them. So i'm just going to highlight a few.

A couple weeks after Joey passed, I brought home a new kitten. I had concerns; the vet said to wait one more day and then bring him in. I woke up the next morning with a dead kitten in my bed. Talk about traumatic.

I gave 60 days notice to my apartment that I'd be leaving at the end of August when my lease was up. I had about 26 days left when the person i was moving in with decided we shouldn't live together. Just like that, I was scrambling to avoid homelessness. When I did find a place to go temporarily, I'm not allowed to have pets. So now I'm scrambling to find Phoebe a place to stay until I can find a place for both of us.

Had a big fight with my producer. To this point, we'd had only one intense conversation, that was more a misunderstanding than an argument. But it had shaken my faith in him. So this one, our first real, ugly, fight, was pretty rough. I had requested in the midst of the chaos in the preceding paragraphs that we wait on recording anything more and focus instead on writing until my life calms down a bit, hopefully mid-September. A couple weeks ago, he said something that raised some red flags with me about the fate of the project, so I confronted him about it. And not really in a great way. The dynamic that makes trouble is the fact that both he and his wife are two of my favorite people on earth. They know what my life looks right now. So he's refusing to work with me until he's satisfied that I can afford it. Though I appreciate the gesture, there's a lot more at stake in this than money. And we definitely disagree on the point where those factors outweigh each other. I am very much of the opinion that I'm the one who gets to decide where I want to spend my money. If I say I can do it, I can do it. It's my choice. In the spirit of protecting me, he vhemently disagreed. It got ugly.

By this point, I'm a mess. Complete. Mess.

But.

The other people in the house I've ended up in are really nice. If I could have pets, it would be a much more permanent place.

I have been surrounded by a group of incredible friends who have come together to help me. These are some of the best people I've ever known. The way they've rallied around me, even when I'm down so deep that I don't know what I'm doing or saying. They're awesome. I seriously have the best friends ever.

Ended up having a good talk with my producer where we agreed that we will finish the project at some point, somehow. And the details of that don't need to be discussed until we get there.

Found a job. I'm never too excited about cubicle land, but they pay me money.

God still loves me, even when I doubt it. Even when it doesn't feel like it at all. We had this incredible sermon from Revelation about how God feels about His people; how He takes us from being Babylon to being His bride. At the end, Derek Webb sang his amazing song "Wedding Dress." It's always been a favorite of mine, but that night it hit me hard again. The bridge says "money cannot buy / a husband's jealous eye / when you have knowingly deceived his wife." And I saw that everything I feel like I've lost, from my job to my record to my cat, and everything in between, was a deception. The lie is that they matter. That I should seek after them, that they can make me happy. The truth is that they're really just distractions. Jesus is the one I need. For now, I understand that. The cost to buy me back was indeed high.

I'm going to start a project. Every day, I'm going to take a picture of some part of my life and post it here. It's inspired by a friend of mine who has been doing it for about 50 days now, and I love getting little daily glimpses of her life. And inspired by another friend who has encouraged to notice the little things. So, here's today's.




One: "Immanuel's Veins"
This is a copy of Ted Dekker's latest masterpiece. In a trilogy of trilogies, it is the beginning of the end. The best part? It doesn't actually release for another 5 days. Amazon shipped it to me early for some reason. Maybe just so i can enjoy knowing the masterpiece before everyone else.